Video Blog

Well I did my 1st ever video blog. I was really nervous but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. SO I thought I'd share it with you all. Enjoy.

Prayers Needed!!!

This was copy and pasted from Kayleigh's blog.

Prayer Warriors Needed

Hello everyone,


One of my personal training clients at work (Chelsey) has a good friend (Jennie), only 21 years old, who was in a serious car accident a short time ago. She is currently in a coma and her situation is critical. She needs many prayers as well as her family needs many prayers through this very tough journey.


Please stop by and let them know we are praying endlessly for her recovery. Just like our sweet Kayleigh's journey, when more than one are praying for healing, God is certainly listening and can do amazing things.


The blog is: http://www.jenniesavickas.blogspot.com/


Thank you all so much!


God Bless,

7 weeks

I'm 7 weeks +1 now. This weeks I've been getting queasy, especially when I wake up in the morning. I've been eating but NOTHING sounds good to me. Sometimes just the thoughts of eating makes me feel slightly queasy. This is new for me, as I never felt sick with the girls. I've been exhausted lately. I actually am about to take a nap after I finish writing this. I'm always hungry, which in return makes me feel queasy. Kinda weird huh? Well, Ryan bought me a fetal heart doppler for my birthday. I got it from eBay and it just came in a few days ago. I have tried it although I know it's WAY too early to hear our little ones heart quite yet. O' well, I'll keep trying till I hear it. I did have another ultrasound today along with another visit with the doctor. I have lost 4 pounds since the 2nd of this month. That's crazy to me. I don't see how. I'm sure to gain it back very soon though. The heartbeat was 120 bpm. The bleeding MAY be coming from the other horn in my uterus. Remember that I have a bicournate uterus. She (the tech) said that I may continue to bleed throughout my pregnancy b/c of my uterus. She said the lining in the other side is still thick and is still shedding. The side that the baby is in is not shedding at all, so that's good. Here is a pic to give you an idea of what a bicournate uterus looks lie before and during pregnancy.





So everything was ok. I go back on the 30th for all the history paper work. I then go back in the 1st week of Jan for my finger prick (genetics for downs) then I go back in my 11th week for the ultra screening u/s for downs and other genetics.

Oh yeah, don't forget to check out my pregnancy photos. You can link to it by clicking "my pregnancy photos" in the upper right hand side of this blog. You won't be seeing much now as I'm still small and the baby is only the size of a blueberry. Give it time though...I'll have a baby belly before you know it! ;)

5 Weeks...Appt. and U/S

Today was my 1st ultrasound and 1st prenatal appointment. I went in at 2pm for the u/s. The tech was so nice. She was very friendly and talkative. Just what I needed to calm my nerves. I have been spotting since Thanksgiving day. It was pink for 3 days then to brown. Needless to say it has scared me to death. Today I had no spotting so that was good. Well the tech had me lay down to do the u/s. I was surprised to even see the gestational sac through an abdominal u/s this early. Unfortunately we were unable to see the baby that way. I had to have a dreaded trans vaginal u/s in order to see the baby. Anyone who has ever had one of those KNOWS how uncomfortable that is. Well once she started the u/s that way she had to push on my tummy to see the baby on the screen. Some good news? The baby is in the larger horn of my bicornuate uterus. Bad news, sorta? Too early to see or hear the heartbeat. Well, I was a little upset by the fact that we couldn't see the heart beating. Kinda had me worried. I though and could have swore that we seen Hannah's heart beating at 5w6d. When I came home though I found Hannah's 1st u/s and it wasn't till 6w3d that we seen and heard her heart beating. So other than that every thing looked good on the u/s. The Little Bean was measuring at exactly 5w6d. That is perfect dating according to the day I ovulated. There was no signs of anything wrong or reason for spotting which was good to know. I go back the Friday after next. That will be December 11th. I had my blood pressure and weight checked today. I forgot to ask what my BP was. My weight was 137. I was SO shocked. That means I have gained 3 pounds since the 4th of November. How is that possible? I haven't been pigging out or anything. Well, 'm going to try to eat as healthy as possible and walk the dog 3 times a day. I'm hoping the walking will help to keep my weight stable for a while. I sat down with the doctor in his office after my exam and spoke with him for a bit. I told him that I had been losing quite a bit of hair for a few months now. Then I told him that since being pregnant it has gotten much worse. I see that my hair line is receding from it. It's been driving me crazy. Well, I've thought I have a thyroid issue for the past few months after doing research online. I have almost ALL symptoms on the list. Also people with this problem when pregnant face having babies that are small (IUGR), birth defects, and possible stillbirth. Well funny that I have had ALL 3! So as soon as I told the doc about my hair loss he said I needed my thyroid levels checked. I was so relieved to hear him say that. This doc always seems to be a step ahead of the game. That is really putting our minds at ease. So I went to the lab after my appt. today and had my regular prenatal blood work done along with the thyroid panel done. I hope to get the results back soon. If I do have a thyroid imbalance, it will really explain a lot of my pregnancy history. It may sound weird, but I kinda hope that that IS what's been going on. Why do I say that? Well, if that IS the case, it's treatable with meds. That means I could have a normal pregnancy if treated. I hate to have something wrong with me but would LOVE to have answers. It would be such a huge relief. Well that's about it. I go back on December 11th for my 2nd u/s and then on December 30th for my 2nd prenatal appt.

Here is our Little Bean. 5w6d

The Secret Garden Meeting.

The secret garden meeting

This is from the October meeting. A little late, but here none the less.

The questions from the October meeting:

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief? Well it's been 2 years since we delivered Carly. We spent 4 beautiful short months with her surrounded by the 4 walls of the hospital. In March, it will mark her 2 year ANGELversiery. It has been one year this month since losing Hannah. I'm feeling pretty good these days. I don't cry too often anymore. Although sometimes it makes me feel guilty. I sometimes feel like I should be grieving more. Then when I start to feel that way I start to think of the strength that I have prayed for. I can only believe that God has completely strengthened me and comforted me through this whole process. I think the lack of tears comes from faith in knowing that I will see them again and that "goodbye" wasn't forever. I feel a lot of peace over my losses. I know that only comes from God. I think of my girls daily. And I thank God daily for the short time I had with them. In the future I hope I'm as at peace with my losses as I am now. My prayers go to my husband though. We were talking about our girls the other day ad how we feel in the here and now. I was telling him how I have found comfort and that it's no longer something weighing me down. He told me it still makes him sad to think of the girls. Hearing him say that made me sad. I don't want him to be sad when he thinks of them. I want him to smile when he thinks of them like I do. Grief comes in many forms for everyone and grief is different for everyone. I wish no one ever had to go through it. Sadly though it happens. I just hope people who do face it are surrounded with a great support system mike I have been.

I have an appointment!

I go Monday to the doctor to have my blood drawn. As soon as my levels get to 3,000 (I think) they will give me my 1st ultrasound. I should reach 3,000 by about 5 weeks. The u/s will be for nothing more than dating reasons. I'm ready to see our little bean though. It will give me a peace of mind in knowing that everything is ok in there.

We have decided to let this baby's gender be a surprise. It took a lot of talking through to decide which route we were gonna go with this. I wanted Carly and Hannah to be a surprise but we found out anyways. With this pregnancy possibly being our last I do want to wait to find out. It's like getting an extra little gift the day you deliver. It will be so exciting! I've been feeling good in the way of symptoms. I haven't had any yet. If this pregnancy is anything like Carly or Hannah's it will basically be symptom free. I'm only going to be working for another 3 weeks. Then I'm going to quit. Well I say quit but I'll still be doing some work. I won't however be standing on my feet for 8 hours a day passing out meds anymore. I'm going to be doing paper work at home. hat way I'm still making money but also taking it easy at the same time. My doctor wants me out of work by 12 weeks anyway so this is a happy medium.

On a side note, my car has been parked for a little over a month now. The fuel injector went bad causing a knocking noise in one of my cylinders and the transmission range sensor went bad. My car would get stuck in low gear and I would put my foot all the way down on the gas and my car would only creep at turtle speed. Well we got the parts for $180 on Wednesday. My neighbor being the nice guy he is, fixed my car today in less than an hour. The dealership was going to charge me $344 to fix it. That is just crazy! He said he did it for free. Well we can't NOT pay him something. I mean he took that time out of his own day on a weekend to help us out. So we are gonna give him some money for fixing my car. I'm so glad to have it back though. I've been driving my MIL's car for a while. She had to take it back about a week ago b/c the battery in her other car died. So I've been depending on Ryan to drive me back and forth to work. So glad to get it back!

Good News!

Well I'm not good at keeping secrets so I'll go ahead and spill the beans! I'm pregnant! We are excited. We are just putting everything in God's hands. We are just going to trust in Him to allow this baby to be healthy and to provide a healthy home for this child within my body.

I am still in complete shock! I have been taking pregnancy test just about every day since the 10th of this month. everyone of the have been coming back just as negative as they could be. I had completely lost all faith in this cycle and was just planning on trying again next month. I have had NO symptoms what-so-ever. I even though my period was on it's way with a few cramps that I have had. I guess the cramps was just the little bean implanting into it's new home. Last night a friend asked me if I had any signs of my period coming and I told her yes. I told her about my cramping and I was sure it would show up today. Well shortly after explaining that I felt as if this month was a bust I took a test just for the heck of it. As soon as the color went completely across the window of the test I chucked it in the garbage. I knew it would be negative. For some reason I felt the need to go back 5 mins later and pull it out of the trash. I was shocked to see a faint line there. I didn't believe it. My brothers were over with my husband watching the fight so I was showing Ryan and my brothers the test to get their opinions. I just said I'd take another one in the morning. This time I was going to use a first response test instead of a dollar tree test. Well at 3am I woke up having to pee so i figured why not? Sure enough I got 2 lines. I'm pregnant! Woot Woot!

My New Obsession.

Well in the past 2 months or so I have started couponing again. I haven't done it in a couple of years and even when I did it then I didn't get very good results. I have done lots of research and reading online. I have met many women who were more than happy to share some of their secrets.So Far I have done super doubles at Blooms and triples at Harris Teeter. I have saved about $300 in groceries in just the past month on coupons alone! That is awesome. We went from having no groceries in our house to not having enough room to store all of our stuff. I'm getting stuff for FREE. If not free I'm getting it for pennies! Today my mom and I went shopping at Target. They had a great Glade deal going on. So I stocked up. I also got 4 Accu-Check Aviva blood glucose monitors. I got those for FREE with my coupon. PLUS, there is a mail-in rebate offer. I will be getting $40 back through the mail just for sending in my receipt. So I'm getting PAID to take those out of the store. You can't get much better than that! I thought I'd share a pic of my shopping trip to Target today. The only thing not in the picture is a dress I bought while I was there. For everything you see and the dress not pictured only cost me $15 out of pocket! Well out of pocket I'm also including the $40 mail-in rebate and 5 $5 gift cards I got for buying the glade products. Still NOT bad! :) Now, the question is where the heck do I put all this stuff?!?!? LOL

Happy Birthday Hannah!

Today Hannah would be a year old. It's was around this time last year that I was having an ultrasound after not feeling Hannah move for a while. I remember laying in the bed as 2 nurses silently searched for a heart beat. I remember hearing my own heart in hope it was Hannah's. I remember the unspoken fear I had as I seen the worry deep in the nurses eyes and they continued to search with no such luck. I remember talking silently to Hannah asking her to move just once. I remember the fear when the nurse said she was leaving to call the doctor. I knew that it couldn't be good. I seen Hannah on the ultrasound for the last time that day. She was still. Her heart ad stopped. I could barely breath. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. How could this have happened again? I laid there silently on the bed after holding on to Ryan for several minutes just crying. I kept praying to God to make a miracle happen and let her move just once. Nothing happened. She remained still. I lay there numb on the bed as I awaited morning so my doctor could come in and do my c-section. As I waited for the doctor I couldn't decide if I wanted to be awake or asleep for the surgery. Part of me didn't want to face the reality of going through a c-section that would result in delivering my dead child. Part of me wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being a witness to the birth of my daughter who I had carried for 8 months. I'm glad I decided to stay awake. The moment I saw her I was in awe! She was the most beautiful baby girl. She looked so sweet and innocent. I was in love. I kissed her and loved her for a little bit. I couldn't believe something so wonderful was growing in me for those 8 months. After recovery I got to a room. We got to spent the whole day loving on Hannah. My whole family came to see our sweet angel. It was a sad day, yet a joyful one at the same time. I miss her dearly, but I know that I will see her again. I take comfort and strength in the Lord.

Now, from the Secret Garden.

secretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

Hannah's bedroom was done in butterflies. It was a lavender purple color. SO cute. I did it all myself by time I was 25 weeks. The beautiful white crib sat the the left and changing table to the right. The room was warm. It brought a sense of peace as I would walk into the room each and every night. I would day dream of having Hannah in the crib. I would think about what it would be like to hold her and rock her to sleep. What it would be like to sit in the stillness of the room and bond through nursing.


Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

Yes, I had Hannah's room ready by time I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was in need of nothing at that point. I had so many clothes that Hannah wouldn't even get to wear them all. I had the stroller and car seat, pack-n-play, diapers, and everything in between. Everything was perfect.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was hard at first. I would go into Hannah's room and just stare off into space. I would think that I should be loving on her here in this room. I sometimes would hold my belly and just cry.

Did you pack it all away?

No. We took everything back to Babies R Us. They were great. They asked no questions. They took back stuff that was open and ready to be used. It was hard for me to take everything back because I felt like I was giving up the very last things I had of Hannah. All her clothes and diapers and what-nots got sold to a lady on craigslist. The lady was super nice. She was buying all my things for her daughter who was pregnant at the time. When they got ready to leave the lady was telling me about her losing her daughter years ago. She went on to tell me that her daughter's name was Hannah. I smiled and told her my daughter's name was Hannah too. We embraced each other then said our goodbyes.

What is your baby's room now?

Now, Hannah's room is empty. It hold the clothing that comes in for the preemie clothing drive that I hold in memory of Hannah's older sister, Carly. The room gets so packed with clothing, but every 3 months we donate a portion to Levine Children's Hospital NICU. I still go in there from time to time and think of how the room use to look. I think about what Hannah would look like today and how she would be playing in her room with her toys.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We are trying to conceive again now. I'm very scared to set up another baby room to say the least. I keep telling Ryan all I want to buy is a pack of diapers, a box of wipes and a few articles of clothing. I 'm afraid to buy anything till I know for sure that I'm going to get to bring a baby home to love here on earth. I tell Ryan that we can buy a car seat and crib once we deliver a healthy baby. That's how I feel now. I'm not sure if I'll have the same take on things when I actually become pregnant again. It almost feels as if setting up another room is taboo.

Please Pass It On!

If you have read my blog for a while now then you know Ii run a clothing drive for preemie clothing for the NICU where Carly lived the 4 months of her life. This 1st drive we collected over 2,000 articles of clothing! We have been able to donate throughout all of 2009. Many, many, many families and babies have been blessed throughout the year because of every one's help. Please take the time to help me to get the word out. I need you to post this on your blogs and all the boards or forums you frequent. Let everyone know about what we are doing and lead them to our Preemie Clothing Drive blog. We need your help to be successfull again!

http://preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com/

Thanks for your help!! :)

Butterfly Release 2009

Today was the Butterfly Release at Frazier Park in Downtown Charlotte. It was held by the Levine Children's Hospital. It's a place for parents and loved ones to come together who have lost a child in the NICU. We went last year for the 1st time. Last year I spoke and I was still pregnant. This year was a lot easier for me emotionally. The had a choir there who sung a couple of songs. They sounded amazing! Dr Herman, on of the neonatologist help to lead the celebration of life with Cindy, one of the neonatal nurse practitioner. They had a dedication of bricks to several families. A couple of parents stood up to say some nice heart felt things about their children. Towards the end everyone formed a circle and went around and said the name of their child(ren). Then, a prayer was said and we released our butterflies. It was beautiful to watch them fly around. Some flew away while others stuck around and we just beautiful to look at in the flowers and trees. After the service was over we got to take some time to talk to others there. Bree, my friend from the NICU was there. We sat together and talked about how it use to be. Bree's little girl DeAnna was Carly's neighbor and passed away when she was 2 months old. She also had a heart defect. Another friend of mine there was Shannon. Shannon also had babies in the NICU. He actually had twins there. They lost one twin from twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I also got to meet a lady who I've been talking to on Charlottemommies. He name is Vicky. Adam and Aimme were also there. I'm sure most of you know them, baby Kayleigh's parents. Dr. Chu was there. She was Carly's Dr. She was always super sweet and talked to you like you were a friend. She had a special way of making you feel at home in a not so homie place. It was suppose to rain today but thank God it didn't. It turned out to be a beautiful day. I didn't take many pics but I did get a few.

This is Dr. Herman and Cindy (NNP). They both cared for Carly during her NICU stay.


This was a lady sharing her story of loss and healing.


Some butterflies as they flew off.




Bree and I.


Ryan and Bree


Ryan and I


And lastly Dr. Chu and myself.




NOW, for some new information. In my last post I told everyone that we would be TTC again in December. Plans have changed and we will actually start TTC again in 3 weeks! I'm so excited yet so nervous. Here's hoping for a surprise mid November!

We Need Your Help Again!

Here is my last post from my Preemie Onesie Drive blog. Please tell everyone you know so 2010 can be a huge success as well.
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We are starting now in October collecting again for 2010. Last year when I started this drive I had a goal of 200 items. As the weeks went by I realized that I was getting close to my goal. Soon, I was counting over 200 and close to 500. I was amazed. By time March 9th came around we had over 2,000 items! I was shocked but BEYOND happy. I couldn't believe how well this drive had gone. We were able to make a HUGE 1st donation to Levine Children's Hospital and still have enough clothing to donate to LCH every 3 months for the rest of 2009. We were also able to donate to several other local NICU's in North Carolina. This was all made possible because of YOU! Thank you all so much.

So it's time again and I need your help once more. Please tell everyone you know to check out this blog and help. If you can't help by donating clothing or monetary donation, you can help by passing along this blog to everyone you know!


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Recap on my 1st post for those of you who have never read my blog before.
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This is the first annual preemie onesie drive being held by me (Rachel) and Ryan. We are collecting preemie onesies to donate to the babies that are staying in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Ryan and I had our first daughter Carly in the NICU for 4 months before passing away from a heart defect. I know as well as other preemie parents of children in the NICU know that it's hard for your child to be there. It's hard in many ways. It's hard as far as gas is concerned because of the many daily trips to the hospital. A lot of times one of the parents (usually the moms) quit working to be at the hospital with their child as much as possible. This makes funds tight. Paying bills can become a struggle. And it makes it hard to buy your new little one the cute outfits that moms want to see their child in. So this is why I'm having this preemie onesie drive. To help parents enjoy seeing their little boy or girl dressed in a cute outfit. Carly got a cute outfit while she was in the NICU as a anonymous donation. It made me feel completely blessed. It was nice for someone to do this for her. Being in the NICU is a very stressful time. Some are only there for days while others are there for months and even over a year. Simple acts of kindness fills peoples hearts with happiness. I'm doing this donation in memory of Carly who passed away on 3/9/08. I will deliver the donated onesies on 3/9/09. And plan to do this as an annual thing.

So please lets come together and help me to gather the needed onesies to donate to the NICU that my sweet Carly was at (Levine Children's Hospital). We will be having collections at my church and other local churches. Allstate is also helping with this donation(the employees not the company in itself). I will be posting a PO Box address to mail donated onesies to. And also if you would rather donate money you can. And the funds received will go toward the purchase of preemie onesies. The NICU houses nearly 100 babies. This fluctuates from time to time. Also they have an NPCN (neonatal progressive care nursery). And this unit holds about 60 babies maybe more. I hope to raise enough to donate to both the NICU and NPCN. So tell everyone you know to help me reach my goal by 3/9/09.

I have gotten in touch with some local companies and some out of state companies to help with this project. I've also contacted some local news stations to help. My ultimate goal is to raise more than enough onesies needed and gather enough monetary donations that could go straight to the NICU to purchase new equipment and supplies needed.

Ways you can become involved.....

1. You can mail donated preemie onesies

2. You can donate money to go toward the purchase of new preemie onesies. Just click on the donate button at the top of this blog.

3. You can place a flyer in your church, staff break room at your job, or local businesses with a box to help gather donations and mail them to the PO Box. (If you gather a large donation I will gladly pay for shipping).


**I will make a flyer and send it to your email to print if you would like to help in that way.


I will keep updated post on onesies received. At the time of donation I will have several pictures to post on that special day.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask. You can reach me at either carlynicoleelliotte@gmail.com or at carlynhannah@yahoo.com

Thanks for your help and participation,
Rachel and Ryan

I'm Still Alive!

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been super busy with work. Last month Ryan and I got to keep our nephews (2 and 5, both boys) from Friday to Sunday. We took them to Carowinds (a theme park). It was a lot of fun. We hated to take them back home but I know my brother and SIL were DYING to get them back home! I hope to get them again soon. Although that may not happen as soon as I would like. My brother and his wife and kids MAY be moving to LA in Cali. He feels like God is calling him to go out there and start up another church. He moved 3 hours away from home 2 years ago to start a church up near the coast of NC. It was hard to have him leave then. If he moves to LA that will be all the way across the country. I'm just going to pray for direction in his life. I've been dying to get pregnant, but we still have till December to wait. I'm just hoping that it happens right away and doesn't take very long.

I know this was short but I wanted to write SOMETHING at least.

Just Some Pics...

Raw Emotions

I went to work like normal today. When I got there I did my normal rounds and catching up on what's went on during the shifts before me.

As I was headed back to the nursing station I seen this man. He said, "Hey Rachel! How are you? How have you been? do you remember me?" I looked at this man and remembered his face. I remember that he was a nice man but couldn't for the life of me actually remember who he was. I knew that he had a family member that lived there but I couldn't remember who it was.

He asked me if Ryan was there and I told him yes and he asked if he could see him. So I walk this man back there and turn to walk away when it hits me. I remembered who he was. His father was living there back in 2007. The day I delivered Carly is the day his father was being buried. Ryan was actually attending his fathers funeral while I was at the hospital. I blew Ryan's cell phone up that day trying to get a hold of him.

Anyhow the last time I saw this man I was pregnant with Carly. This man came from the back and stopped to speak to me again. He told me that he felt like God kept telling him to stop in to where I work, the place where his father spent the last days of his life. He told me he had no idea why God wanted him to stop and he finally gave in a decided to stop. Well he prayed with Ryan while he was there. (I wasn't around for that and Ryan has yet to talk to me about it.) Well he walks into the med room while I'm getting things ready for my med pass and stops me to talk. He grabs my hands and holds them in his hands and out of the blue starts saying that God is going to give us children and that God loves me and how everything is going to be ok. He kept going on and on and I couldn't move. I was frozen in that one spot. I couldn't blink or even say a word. All I could do was give a half ass grin and try my best to hold my tears back. I didn't do a very good job at the tears. The came freely. I was quite embarrassed by that. I'm not one to cry in the open about my grief. If I feel the urge to cry i normally make a bee line to the bathroom to hide.

I know the man was trying to be nice and comfort me. I know that he meant well. I am glad I got to see him as I use to love our talks back when I cared for his father. But this came as a shock. This was a blow to my emotions. My normal happy go lucky day soon turned into a day full of anger, depression, and confusion. I never did get back on track. I was a mess all day.

I wonder if Ryan will talk to me about what he said to him? Normally he tells me everything, I'm wondering why I haven't heard anything from him yet. I mean this was like 11 hours ago that this happened. I wanna ask Ryan about it but I'm afraid that if he hasn't mentioned it yet then he may NOT want to talk about it.

This Blog Is Moving!

I'm not going to delete this blog by any means but I am moving all of my post here over to my other blog. You can read more about the switch at the link below.


hannahkathleanelliotte.blogspot.com

Just In Case You're Wondering...

I have added in all my blog post from Carly's blog to Hannah's blog. Call me weird but I kinda feel bad about writing more on Hannah's blog than Carly's. So in order to fix this I have just mixed them together. I'll also change the name of the blog to just My Angels In Heaven. I'm going to post on Carly's blog about this change and leave it up for those to see. I just won't be writing over there anymore. From now on it will just be here.

Now this blog will contain things about both of my girls, my life, and hopefully in the future months it will contain another pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Sorry for any confusion this may cause anyone but this makes me feel better, like I'm not leaving one of my girls out or showing one space more attention.

I had A Dream Of You Last Night! (Carly)

You came to me in my dreams last night. Thank You! I needed that! You were small for a while in my dreams. I kept you turned from your left and right side just as if you were still in your isollette in the hospital all except you were home. Then soon you were grown. You were about the size you should be now if you were still here with me. You were walking and learning to talk. I asked you who the man in the bed was and you said pawpaw as you laid your innocent head on my dads arms to show him love. You made me so happy in my dreams last night. I remember crying but I know that they were happy tears. We walked and you showed off the new words you were learning. You had light brown curly hair. You had the most lovely heart and was just so loving.

I love you baby girl. Come see me again in my dreams, I really enjoy it!

Till we meet again....

Love MOM

I had A Dream Of You Last Night!

You came to me in my dreams last night. Thank You! I needed that! You were small for a while in my dreams. I kept you turned from your left and right side just as if you were still in your isollette in the hospital all except you were home. Then soon you were grown. You were about the size you should be now if you were still here with me. You were walking and learning to talk. I asked you who the man in the bed was and you said pawpaw as you laid your innocent head on my dads arms to show him love. You made me so happy in my dreams last night. I remember crying but I know that they were happy tears. We walked and you showed off the new words you were learning. You had light brown curly hair. You had the most lovely heart and was just so loving.

I love you baby girl. Come see me again in my dreams, I really enjoy it!

Till we meet again....

Love MOM

PLEASE HELP MY FRIEND!!!!

Carly, is a young woman who has a big heart for helping others. She lost her son Christian a couple of years ago. Since, she has been taking her time to write names in the sand of babies who have passed away for bereaved mothers just like herself. After I lost Carly and Hannah, Carly wrote their names in the sand for me and gave me their pics. It's such a sweet reminder of my girls. Carly does this for thousands of people. It's a full time job for her and she doesn't make a penny.

Carly has entered a contest through Cannon to win a new camera and to also win $60,000 to go to a charity of her choice. She has decided to donate this money to SIDS and Kids Australia. Please take your time to read about her and this contest she has entered. I'll post a link below to her blog. In her blog you will see a link to vote to help er raise money for this charity and to help her get a new camera so she can continue taking pics for these bereaved parents.

Here is here post..........

Tonight I am asking for your help on something. Canon.com have a competition on at the moment called Creative For A Cause.

In their own words "A single photograph can represent the voices of a hundred, thousand or even a million people"

Canon are looking for one photograph. The photograph that receives the most amount of votes will win $60 000 to go to their favorite charity. The photographer will also win a Canon package for themselves.

I have entered this competition and if Christian's photo is the winner I have chosen SIDS and Kids Australia as my award recipient. I will be honest in saying that having the benefit of a brand new professional camera would be such a treat for the evenings I spend at the beach!

So please if you have the time visit this link and vote for Christian's photo in memory of all children lost too soon. We believe this one photo doesn't just represent Christian, but all his other friends too.

Thank You Thank You Thank You!


Here's the link to her post so you can click the link to vote for her.

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/vote-for-christian.html

The Smell Of Shampoo (Hannah)

WOW! Who would have ever thought the smell of shampoo could bring back such vivid memories?

I got this morning just like any other day. I cleaned the house and did laundry as Ryan worked in the yard trimming the bushes and blowing off the driveway. I needed to shower before we went out to eat and to a movie. We were out of shampoo and conditioner so I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick some up for me. He asked me if it mattered what kind and I said no. He always ask because I like to change my shampoo often. If I don't change it my hair tends to be oily. Ryan comes home and hands me a bag with shampoo and conditioner in it. I pulled out 2 bottles of Pantene Pro-V and headed to the shower. As the water got warm I got ready. I got in the shower and started my normal routine. I wet my hair first and poured shampoo into my hand. I lathered up my hair like normal and all of a sudden this sense came over me. Kinda like a memory, but really hard to put my finger on exactly how it felt. I was smelling this shampoo, it was a strong beautiful smell. Thoughts of Hannah's pregnancy washed over me with such a quickness. I felt refreshed, I felt free, I had this sense of peace wash through my whole body down to my soul. I could remember what it felt like to hold my belly with her and how it felt to anticipate her arrival. I smelled it, I smelled Hannah. It wasn't until I started to smell the shampoo that I realized I hadn't used this particular shampoo since I was pregnant with Hannah. It brought on so many emotions. I felt more happy than sad. It was almost as if she was here saying, "It's ok, remember me now. Remember me how it was when you were happy and expecting me."

Who would have ever though a normal routine of shampooing my hair could do this to my soul! I felt as if I was being embraced by her presence.

WOW! What A Shocker!

Well today my mom was scheduled to have a hysterectomy. Well, sorta, more like a laser removing the lining of her uterus. She went in and had all the prep work done. She was taken to the OR and put to sleep. Her husband and her MIL went with her so she could have someone drive her back home once everything was finished.

I called my mom to check on her and see how everything went and how she was feeling. They were just pulling out of the hospital when I called. She said she was fine and only in a little pain but went on to tell me they couldn't preform the procedure. They did however do a DNC. You'll never believe why they couldn't do it. She too has a bicornuate uterus with a septum! This is the exact same thing I have. It's like a heart shaped uterus with a wall down the middle. I have read a lot online about BU and SU that cause birth defects, stillbirths, IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and so on and so forth. Anyhow, since all my test have come back giving no clue as to why I've all these problems with pregnancy I could only think that my mis-shaped uterus was the cause of all my problems. Now, granted it very well may BE the cause, BUT my mom had 3 FULL-TERM pregnancies with no problems and never has any miscarriages. So there IS hope that I may still carry a full-term pregnancy. But now I've began to wonder is there an underlying condition that the doctors are looking over? If so what could it be and where would I start to look to figure it out? Well, all I can do it lay it unto the Lord's feet and just have faith that He will bless our marriage with a child.

On another note, my mom is going back to see her doctor in 2 weeks to talk about having a hysterectomy where they only take her uterus and leave her ovaries. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers in the weeks to come.

I Swear I'm Still Alive!

WOW! Sorry it's been such a long time since my last post. We did go on vacation to the Florida Keys. We stayed for a week and had a blast. We also visited Miami and Fort Myers while we were gone. I went skydiving at Miami Skydiving Center. It's was great! It was an experience of a lifetime! I plan on going to the Blue Ridge mountains and doing it again there. I know the view there will be breathtaking.

I've been working a lot and trying to keep myself busy. We are about to start a memorial garden in the back yard in memory of our daughters. I'll will post more about this later along with some before pics and pics while it's being created. I know it's going to be beautiful. Our daughters are buried more than 30mins away and it's hard to go there often. This will be a great place for us to think of them and it will be right out our back door.

Staying busy is kinda hard when all that's on my mind is having a family. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant right now, but Ryan wants us to wait. We have decided to try again in December of this year. It seems like it will NEVER get here. So just keep us in your thoughts and prayers and pray that when we do actually start TTC that God will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child that I can deliver at term and that we can actually bring home to love and take care of. Another pregnancy is going to be beyond stressful so I plan on quitting my job the second I find out and staying home and just take care of myself without the added stress of work.

Well I know it was short but at least it was something. I'm headed off t spend some time with my hubby. Till next time...

I almost forgot! I wanted to show you my skydiving video. I actually played it on my computer and filmed it with my camera because I don't have any DVD ripper software. So it's not as sharp as the original but it's still ok. ENJOY!!

Now don't laugh at me, I HATE talking to a camera, I feel like such a dork! LOL

My Brother....

This is a video i took this past November of my oldest brother playing and singing a song he wrote shortly after losing our 2 daughters Carly and Hannah. It waasns't finished at the time i recorded this but it's still nice. I'll try to get him to do it again for me in a couple of weeks and I'll post the finished version. ENJOY, I know I did/do.

Hi Everyone!

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've posted. I've been working a lot trying to save as much as possible for our trip. Our trip has actually changed. We are not going on a cruise after all. We just booked our stay at Key Largo, FL. We are so excited about that! We leave in less than 2 weeks! We have a lot of our excursions planned already. We want to go para sailing but you can only book that the day of, so we will do that once we get down. We were gonna book a fishing trip but those are so dang expensive. I seen one for nearly a $1000 for 3/4 of a day. There's NO WAY I'm paying that much to go fishing. Heck I can fish in a pond in Stanfield (my old country town) for free! LOL We are going to skydive too!! Well I'm going to skydive. Ryan's a punk and a wussy and won't do it! He says he'll film me from the ground. The skydiving company or group or what ever you call them will do a professional video and pics an you get copies when you leave. This will be the highlight of my trip. I'll be doing this in Miami. We went yesterday to Aldi grocery store (SUPER CHEAP FOODS----GREAT DEALS) yesterday to buy all the non-perishable food items such as chips, canned foods, snacks, you know, things that won't go bad between now and when we get down there. It's so much cheaper to buy things like that then wait till we get there and go shopping. We'll get our milk and meats and other cold or frozen items when we get there. We only paid $110 in the store yesterday! That's great, because it would cost you that much in a day if you just ate out for a full day.

I've been tanning for our trip so I won't burn when I get down there. So much good that has done, I've managed to get burnt TWICE now laying in the tanning bed! *shakes head* I could get burnt for free down there! LOL Oh well, I'll just slow it done just a hair in the beds. Ryan and I went shopping for our trip Wed and my friend Jaira and I went shopping yesterday. Ryan and I got lots of new clothes. Mine we SOOOOO needed. Ever since being pregnant nothing fits right anymore. I knew I'd never wear my size 0's again. Heck I new that after Carly was born, so I gave all my clothes away to my little cousin. Then after Carly was born I bought a few tings but then I was soon pregnant again with Hannah so there went that! So now that I've lost weight and I'm no longer pregnant and I'M GOING ON VACATION, I figured why not!! Hey I got a sweat shirt at Pac Sun (in case I get chilly in the night)that was on sale for $10, but the tag said 2.99 so I got it even cheaper!! I got a sweet bag at Pac Sun for $2.99 too!! They had a great sale going on!

Before we go on vacation I have to go to court! Uggg, my tag on my car had been expired since October of 2008. I knew I needed to get it done but just kept putting it off, till finally a few weeks ago I got pulled over. The officer gave me a ticket and told me to get it fixed and if I prove I fixed it I may not have to pay a fine and it may get thrown out of court. So I got it fixed so here's hoping!

I'll have tons of pics and videos for when we get back. I may not blog again till then. I'm trying to work some overtime for some extra money so that's kinda cutting into my time at home lately. Everyone take care and I'll post again soon with exciting things to share!

LOST

Anyone watch LOST on Wed. nights? Oh my goodness, I am SO addicted to this show! It's a comercial break right now so I thought I'd take a sec to post on my blog that I have been neglecting so much lately. I really don't have much to talk about right now but I wanted to post pics of my sweet Hannah. I'm sure you have seen these pics in the video I posted but I want to post them anyways to remember her tonight. She would have been 5 months old yesterday.

Todays Encouragement from Proverbs 31.

I Know How I Designed It
Van Walton

"…we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus…" Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

My amazing husband can do anything. He's a fix-it man. There isn't anything he can't repair or create. He rebuilds damaged computers for family and friends, repairs weed eaters and garage door openers for neighbors, and rescues broken furniture from trash heaps. Recently he brought a chair home from a dinner party. It wasn't a gift and we didn't steal it. Someone sat in it and broke it!

After two days of taking the chair apart - performing what looked like orthopedic surgery to me, you know when pins and screws are inserted to keep bones and joints from further damage – followed by a little gluing, sanding, and staining, the chair looked brand new.

"Wow!" I said, impressed.

"Sit in it and rock back," he encouraged.

"Rock back? I don't think so! What if I break it?"

"Oh, believe me. You won't."

"How do you know?" I asked, not convinced.

"I know how I designed it. I know the pressure points and how much stress it can take" he responded with a smile of confidence. "Go on. Sit in it and rock back."

I sat down and rocked back.

The chair was solid. I don't care who sits in it, or how they land in it now, it will not break.

I think about the times we don't believe we can handle any more stress. The pressure seems overwhelming and we cry, "Time out! I can't take any more!"

God responds, "Trust me. You will not be destroyed. I know your pressure points. I know how much stress you can take. I know how I designed you."

I cannot describe the peace I felt when I related the work of my husband's hands to the work of God's hand.

Of course He knows how much I can take. After all He is my Creator, the one who bent down by the river and fashioned me with His hands. He's the one who knit me together in the depths of my mother's womb, the one who is called the Potter.

He knows the exact temperature needed in the kiln to create the perfect clay vessel. He knows how hot the fire must be to separate the dross from the silver and gold. He knows how much pressure a diamond or emerald must withstand in order for it to come forth solid and brilliant. He knows how long the irritant must sit in an oyster before it becomes a pearl.

My Father knows exactly how much I can take. He knows because He designed me. With that realization I am able to trust Him and smile at the future, no matter how hard life is today.



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This is such a good devotion to me. This one as well as many others from this great website seem to hit home with me. I hope everyone who reads this get as much from it as I have!

God Bless!

To read more devotions please click here to visit Proverbs 31.

Knock, Knock..."who's there?"

Well not too much has happen since my last post. I was sick for about a week with what seemed to be the flu. I still have a little congestion but it's almost completely gone. Work has been ok. I've been trying to work some over time so I can a few extra bucks to go towards the savings for our cruise that we want to go on. We had nearly $1000 set aside for the cruise hen we got our auto insurance bill in. Ugggg, just our luck. We pay our insurance for a 6 month span. So the money we had saved for the cruise was spent on keeping our insurance up. So we are back to the drawing board again. We each get 3 weeks paid vacation at work this year. hat we plan on doing is each getting a check cut for 2 weeks ( 4 weeks total between the both of us)and using that money to pay for our cruise. The the money we say from now until the day we sail out will be our spending money while we are gone. It doesn't take us long to save money, it just seems when we do get a good bit saved something like the insurance comes up, or we have to pay taxes. Soon we will have our last 2 credit cards paid off and that will help us a ton! We've already cut them up so now it's just a matter of getting them paid. We owe $1700 on one and $300 on another. So they aren't too bad.

I need to get to the dentist and get some teeth fixed. I have been pregnant for the most part of the last 2 years and haven't been able to have any X-Rays done to get my teeth worked on. So in the next week or so I'm going to make an appointment and finally get it done. After I have my teeth fixed and I get to go on our vacation I'll be happy!

I'm going to be making an appointment in the next few days with a new OB/GYN. I've heard great things about this new doctor. He's not only a regular OB/GYN he's also a high risk doctor. I'll have an appointment to discuss my history and talk about TTC in the next few months. I want to make sure that my new doctor is going to be on top of things and do things as I wish. I've been taking my aspirin 81mg every day and my prenatal vitamins every day for a little over a month now. My MFM doctor wants me on those for AT LEAST 3 months prior to even trying. So I'm hoping that if all goes well we may start TTC again in July maybe. I will be glad to come off of this birth control though. Gosh, it makes me so bloated that I constantly look pregnant already. I HATE that. I'd like to have my flat stomach back again if I'm not with child.

My little brother and I went to Fayettville last Saturday to go to our nephew's birthday party. He turned 5 this year! His party as a Star Wars Theme. My gracious at the kids there. They had his part at the church and all the kids from the church were there. There had to be like 20 5 year olds there. That's not counting the 1-3 yr olds and a few 8-10 yr olds, plus their parents. The church was packed!! Needless to say our nephew Brendan had a great time with all his friends. I was so glad we were able to be a part of it.

Well not much else to report. I'll leave you with a few random pics! Enjoy!

This is my little brother and our nephew Micah.


Ryan and I on our wedding day!!


And Lastly Ryan and I on our night out after the wedding!

Where Has The Time Gone?

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was in the delivery room having you. You were SO tiny and fragile. I called you tennis ball head for the longest time. You were small and sick but you were perfect. I was at the hospital daily to see you for hours on end. When I couldn't hold you I would just watch you. The days in the NICU were long and seemed as if they would never end. Who ever knew though that they WOULD end in SUCH a way. It was one year ago today that I held you for the last time as we wished you a farewell to your eternal home. I miss holding you, talking to you, and giving you a bath. I miss the way your breath smells and the sound of the alarms, as scary as they were at times. I miss that look in your eyes when it was just me and you. You made my bad days better. i thought life with out you was getting easier to deal with until the days leading up to today. I've cried a river of tears that the largest dam couldn't hold back. It was as if it was all replaying over and over again in my head, like throwing salt into a fresh wound. I've found myself thinking of how things should be instead of how they actually are. By now you should be walking and saying mommy and daddy. I should be watching you laugh and giggle as you play. We should be going on walks and I should be reading you your nightly bed time stories, instead you bedtime story book lays silently beside you as you rest beneath the surface of this old world.

I took the preemie clothing to the Levine's today as well as 3 other hospitals. I also shipped 2 boxes to 2 different hospitals. It was hard walking into that NICU again today for the first time since you've passed. I'll always remember the smell of that place, it's one I could never forget. Seeing those big electric doors again and those portable isollettes almost took my breath away as I held back the tears. I seen Dr. Hicky, she took care of you for a while. She gave me a big hug, and again I had to fight back more tears. Then there was Tony. The man who always knew how to make me smile when things were bad. He came behind me and put his arm around me. Yet again more emotions and more tears held back. So many familiar faces and so many familiar things. as much as I miss you though, I never wish you back in that place to suffer for another second.

Baby girl, I'll see you again some day. Take care of you little sister until I can make it home. I love you and miss you more than any words could say or emotions could show. Hugs and kisses my sweet baby.

Love, Mom

Where Has The Time Gone?

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was in the delivery room having you. You were SO tiny and fragile. I called you tennis ball head for the longest time. You were small and sick but you were perfect. I was at the hospital daily to see you for hours on end. When I couldn't hold you I would just watch you. The days in the NICU were long and seemed as if they would never end. Who ever knew though that they WOULD end in SUCH a way. It was one year ago today that I held you for the last time as we wished you a farewell to your eternal home. I miss holding you, talking to you, and giving you a bath. I miss the way your breath smells and the sound of the alarms, as scary as they were at times. I miss that look in your eyes when it was just me and you. You made my bad days better. i thought life with out you was getting easier to deal with until the days leading up to today. I've cried a river of tears that the largest dam couldn't hold back. It was as if it was all replaying over and over again in my head, like throwing salt into a fresh wound. I've found myself thinking of how things should be instead of how they actually are. By now you should be walking and saying mommy and daddy. I should be watching you laugh and giggle as you play. We should be going on walks and I should be reading you your nightly bed time stories, instead you bedtime story book lays silently beside you as you rest beneath the surface of this old world.

I took the preemie clothing to the Levine's today as well as 3 other hospitals. I also shipped 2 boxes to 2 different hospitals. It was hard walking into that NICU again today for the first time since you've passed. I'll always remember the smell of that place, it's one I could never forget. Seeing those big electric doors again and those portable isollettes almost took my breath away as I held back the tears. I seen Dr. Hicky, she took care of you for a while. She gave me a big hug, and again I had to fight back more tears. Then there was Tony. The man who always knew how to make me smile when things were bad. He came behind me and put his arm around me. Yet again more emotions and more tears held back. So many familiar faces and so many familiar things. as much as I miss you though, I never wish you back in that place to suffer for another second.

Baby girl, I'll see you again some day. Take care of you little sister until I can make it home. I love you and miss you more than any words could say or emotions could show. Hugs and kisses my sweet baby.

Love, Mom

It's been a while!

It's been quite sometime since I've written a post here.

I did get married on the 14th of February. It was real nice. We had it at the retirement home so all of our residents (family) could be their to share in that special moment. So it's official...I'm an Elliotte now!

The little baby that I was asking for prayers for, Baby Jake, well the good Lord called him home. So please keep his family in your prayers for comfort and strength during these times.

As far as the girl that is pregnant with the baby who the doctors are saying will not survive, well she doesn't want to talk to me or anyone else. I have to say I completely understand. I too for a little while didn't want to talk to anyone either. So all I can ask is that everyone pray for her comfort and strength.

I had quite a surprise in the mail the other day. I got a card from someone I don't know. In the card was a check for $100. The check had a name on it but not one I knew. I actually don't even know any from where the card came from. This was such a blessing to our family. We have been low on funds this past week. We are having to pay our taxes and our regular mortgage and utilities. So with the taxes being an added bill it left us near broke. So if you are reading this and you are the one who sent the check, thank you! You have truly blessed our family this week. Isn't God good!?!?! He knows just when to step in!

I've been working a lot lately trying to get some overtime in to make extra money so we can save for our LATE honeymoon. We are hoping to go on a cruise. Time will tell if we will actually be able to do this. I hope we can though. I've never been but I've heard it's really nice.

Well only 4 more days till the anniversary of Carly's death. It's hard to believe it's been a year since she has gone home. I think of my girls often but I really been thinking about them a lot lately. i have a memory box for both girls with all of their belongings in it. I've been wanting to open them and look through their things but I have yet been able to bring my self to do it.

Well hopefully it won't be as long before I post next time. Until then, God Bless!!!

Pray For Baby Jake!!

Baby Jake is in the CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unti) at Levine Children's Hospital. He has CDH was Hypoplastic right heart syndrome, possible transplant. He needs our prayers too! His caringbridge site is under JacobWarfield. Please stop by this site and show your support and give much needed thougts and prayers. We know God will is in control. I pray that God watches over baby Jake and works through the doctors to give him the best care possible. I pray that if he does need a transplant that he is able to get it quickly and make a fast full recovery. Please let everyone you know, know about this precious child so we can have him lifted up by many to God!!!

Need Some Serious Prayer Warriors!!!!

I got a call today from my brother. My brother is a music pastor in his church. He told me of a girl today that is currently attending his church. She wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital yesterday. She found out she was 7 months pregnant. The doctor told her that her baby boy would not survive. The baby's brain is not fully developed. She is very upset right now and is new to the christian faith. Rodney (my brother) asked me if I would talk to her. I told him I would and I have yet to talk to her as of now. One thing I know for sure is that the doctors aren't always right. Carly's brain wasn't formed completely either, and we enjoyed her for 4 months. I know another lady who's twin grandchildren were born and one of the baby's brain wasn't divided and they told them the baby wouldn't survive either it's now been 8 months and the baby is doing well with developmental delays, but she's her and alive. God is always in control and always has the last say. I have been crying for this girl because I know what it's like to carry a baby and know that the outcome may not be good. I have also went through 2 losses in less than 8 months. The pain is very real and hurts to your core. God is good though and has strengthened me through our struggles here on earth. I pray that God will give this girl peace and strength to what ever may come her way. I also ask for her faith to grow stronger day by day. I pray that God places her hand on this little boy and heals his body with every ounce of healing power He has. Please join with me and become prayer warriors for this girl and her unborn child. We know that God is capable of ALL things and nothing is too big for Him to handle. Please pass along this information to as many people as possible so that we can get as many prayers as possible for this girl and her baby boy. The doctors did say that she would have to carry the baby to term and go ahead with a normal delivery.

Lets come together and get the whole world praying that God will show Himself through a BIG miracle!!! Maybe this is what she's needs to strengthen her faith and reach out to others in need!

From Proverbs31

This is today's devotion that is listed on Proverbs31.org. After talking to my high risk OB today and letting the information sink in some I came to this devotion. This really makes sense to my life. My life has been interrupted with many different road construction sites. First it was my pregnancy and life with Carly then it was her death. Then it was my little brothers car accident leaving him suffering with a severe traumatic brain injury then the birth our dead second daughter Hannah. My life has been full of interruptions, but I know that soon it will lead to a beautiful garden that God has been patiently creating for me to enjoy. I just have to keep on following God path and soon He will reveal it to me. Please read on to see what I'm talking about.


Orange and White Barrels
Van Walton

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths… I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16 (NIV)

Last spring I monotonously approached my neighborhood exit where a newly posted sign announced that I could not make my normal left turn. Lined up on the road as far as I could see around the bend was a neatly laid row of orange and white barrels. Road construction had interrupted my usual routine.

My daily plans would now be detoured due to the construction. Faced with this disruption that would surely put a kink in my life, I felt agitated and even hit the steering wheel with my fist. I would have to design new ways to reach my destinations and I wasn’t happy about it.

One day when construction was completed enough to allow some through traffic, I turned left and surveyed the sights. I couldn’t believe what I saw. No more lovely forest. Gone were the inviting trails into the woods. Decades-old wooden fences and bridges had disappeared. Honestly, the place resembled the combined affects of earthquake and fire. That whole summer I rolled up to the intersection with its orange and white barrels, and it triggered in me negative thoughts and feelings.

Soon after, my life was more seriously interrupted. A disturbing phone call forced me to drop everything. The bad news exploded like a bomb - my heart and mind quaked with emotion. Spiritual frustration filled my soul in the following months. I can’t remember how many times my fist hit hard places. I screamed at God when life carried me away from the direction I wanted to take.

“How long will You take me out of my way?” I questioned God. I longed for my life before the interruption. Managing my days on autopilot was no longer an option as I faced my new circumstances. Slowly I began to see that this spiritual reconstruction paralleled the roadwork outside my neighborhood.

Once all the orange and white barrels were gone and I was free to turn left at that intersection, I appreciated the results. Smooth asphalt spread out before me. Two lanes of traffic moved steadily. The “earthquake zone” had been transformed into a park-like setting. A tree-lined sidewalk encouraged pedestrians to walk toward the ballpark and the neighborhood church. Admiring the new landscape, I realized I’d been inconvenienced, but now I could see that the long delays were worthwhile.

Today, although my life continues to zigzag through various “construction sites,” I realize God allowed me to experience the orange and white-barreled roads to illustrate a truth. He is at work up ahead rearranging the landscape of my life. Psalm 37:34 says, “Put your hope in the Lord. Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you by giving you the land.” (NLT)

I may not be able to see what that land looks like, but I believe His Word. So, with His help, I put my hope in Him, traveling the paths He lays out for me, even though they are not the familiar roads I would normally take.

Father God, You know how difficult life is right now. My interrupted life and the difficult roads You have me traveling feel like they’ll break me. Give me the capacity to graciously travel the paths You lay out before me. Help me trust You, In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Visit Van Walton’s blog

From the Pound to the Palace by Van Walton

Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner by Wendy Blight

Application Steps:
Memorize one of the referenced Bible verses. Pray it out loud when disruptions threaten to interrupt your life.

Reflections:
How has my life been interrupted recently?

How would God have me respond to this most recent disturbance?

Power Verses:
Psalm 25:4, “Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.” (NLT)

© 2009 by Van Walton. All rights reserved.

My High Risk Doctor Finally Called Me Back Today!!

Well several things were brought up. The first thing brought up was Hannah's size. Dr. Mitra said she was def. too small. But you know Dr. Hall and the autopsy report said she was normal size for her gestation. Dr. Mitra assured me that they were wrong. I knew she was small but when I was told she was not I just figured it 'could' be normal for her to be that size. Guess I was wrong. As far as the infection, Dr. Mitra said there was only traces of it and not enough to cause a problem. He said if it was enough to cause a problem that it would have thrown me into pre-term labor and I would have been very sick with high fevers and chills. He is more concerned about her growth. He thinks she was taking the same path as Carly, but just in a later stage during the pregnancy. He has no clue as to why this keeps happening. He says he's already done all the test there is to do on me and there's nothing left to do as far as testing goes. He says he can't promise that it won't happen again either. He did say he wants me to take a baby aspirin and prenatal vitamin for 3 months prior to getting pregnant again. He says I don't have to go on bed rest or anything like that. He says if it does happen again it's nothing I'm doing or anything I can do to prevent it. He said he would follow me the entire pregnancy next time and I would be considered extremely high risk. He said if things start to look shaky we would discuss getting me admitted to the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy and monitoring me before delivering early and having a stay in the NICU. He was very concerned as to why Dr. Hall didn't let me have a VBAC. He said that would have been the best route to go. Now that I have 2 different scars on my uterus it may be next to impossible to have a VBAC the next time. I asked him about the placenta increta and he said that they can prove that I even had it. But if I did indeed have it it's possible that get it again and that the worst thing that could happen is having a hysterectomy. He said if I really wanted to have a child then that alone shouldn't stop us from trying. I asked how long I should wait and he said he couldn't make that decision for me. I told him I have heard a year to wait after a c-section is what I've heard and he said that it couldn't hurt to wait a year but it wouldn't hurt if we decided to TTC earlier. So that's it, we have no clue as to what's going on. But here's my take on it. I have a bicournate uterus, and I've read that women with a BU have a higher risk of IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction). So with Carly she was SEVERELY restricted, I think she stretched my uterus some and allowed Hannah to grow bigger and longer. Now I think that with Hannah being a good bit bigger than Carly she stretched my uterus even more. So I think when we get pregnant again it will go even longer the next time. But who knows, that's just my thoughts. Regardless of what happens next time I'm going to be worried sick the WHOLE time! Now as far as when we are going to start TTC, that's still in question. Maybe in June and maybe in September and maybe later. We are just trying to soak in all the info right now. I know right now I don't feel emotionally ready.

It Snowed!

Last night before going to bed Ryan opened the door to look out like he always does. He said, "Rachel, it snowed!" I couldn't believe it. The weather man assured us that we wouldn't see any snow here. I should have known better, they are never right. So before I laid down for the night I grabbed my camera to snap a picture. By time I woke up today at 11am (I know...I was being lazy!) it was almost completely gone, but the bone chilling air was still there. The snow is always so pretty. It's like God is covering everything with His glory. Wiping away all imperfections. It's always been so breath taking for me.

Update on Loren and Her Baby Evan

They are awaiting discharge papers now! Evan is going home today. He weighs 4 pounds 3 ounces right now. Loren is beyond excited to be bring her new baby boy home to start their family. Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time.

When Your Worst Fears are Realized

I read this on Proverbs 31 Ministries . I think this is a great web site and has tons of daily devotions. All of these things on this site remain true and I see how they fit my everyday life. I read this one today and wanted to share it with everyone.



When Your Worst Fears are Realized
Marybeth Whalen

“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’” Lamentations 3:57 (NIV)

All my life, I had two very real fears: that I would have a child with a birth defect, and that my marriage would break up. Even before I was married, I worried about how I would handle these things if they happened. Perhaps that seems silly to some, but some of you might know exactly what I am talking about. Your fears are always lurking, taunting you with their possibility.

In Isaiah, God told Hezekiah of the impending exile of his descendants to Babylon, but assured him he would already be dead by the time this happened. In our humanness, we can identify with Hezekiah when he thought with relief, “At least there will be peace and security during my lifetime” (Isaiah 39:6-8, NLT). That was Hezekiah’s fear talking—fear that something terrible like that would happen in his lifetime. And what a loud voice fear can have. Sometimes it can even overpower the voice of God as He lovingly reassures us of His nearness.

As you can probably guess, my two worst fears were realized. My third child was born with a severe birth defect that kept him hospitalized for months, then with full-time nursing care when he was home. He was dependent on a trach and a g-tube just to live. I had entered a world I knew nothing about, the very world I had feared all my life. Later on, in the aftermath of our son’s birth, my marriage also fell apart. The years of struggle and financial stress took their toll and left my husband and I virtual strangers. We would have to fight to save our wrecked marriage. I was living my worst nightmare.

But I was living.

I learned in the midst of our struggles that our verse today is so true. God does draw near to us in the midst of our worst fears. Even as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death—the death of a loved one, the death of our dreams, the death of a marriage—He is with us, just as He promised. Not only is He near us, He is working things out, growing our faith and our character as we wrestle with our fears and learn to accept His will. While we can’t understand why He allows our fears to materialize, we later realize that we have come to know Him in a whole new way through them. He is our reward for persevering.

I know that, for me, I have come to appreciate what I went through and, while I would never choose to go through it again, I also am grateful (yes, grateful) for what God birthed within me as I lived out my worst fears. I learned that in our struggles we will see Him. In our trials we will learn to trust Him. And in our fears we will come to a new level of faith.

Dear Lord, Help me to trust in You even as my fears are realized. Help me to hear Your voice telling me that You are with me, and that I don’t need to be afraid. Help me to feel your nearness. Most of all, Lord, help me to see Your purpose for me even as I am walking through trials. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Update On Loren

Loren delivered her baby boy via c-section today. He weighed 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 inches long. He's in the NICU right now on a vent. He had some fluid on his lungs. He has also had a feeding tube placed. As far as I know Loren has yet to seen Evan yet. She's doing ok but this was VERY unexpected for her and her husband. Please keep Loren and Evan in your prayers. I'll update again as soon as I know more.

Prayers For Loren

My friend Loren is 34 weeks pregnant and has had preeclampsia for about 2 weeks now. She's finally been admitted to the hospital and is going to have a c-section in a matter of hours. She is so scard right now. Please keep her and her baby boy Evan in your prayers.

Baby Shower Time!

Leelou a friend who has help me and other friends of mine is pregnant. She is having a virtual baby shower. She would love it if you could attend. Lets make this the biggest virtual baby shower ever! Click on the link below to see how this works. The second button below will take you to Leelou's blog where you too can get a button and add it to your blogg so this can reach as many people as possible! Thanks everyone, lets make this a very special day for her!

A Sneak Peek!

Here's a sneak peek of what's to come. I'm posting pics of my wedding gown when I was trying it on at the bridal shop. I love the dress. It is more elegant than most that I seen and I'm not too much on all the puffy styles out there. I know that's just a matter of opinion though. Hope you like it. Oh and I'm also going to post pics of my new wedding band. I'm actually going back to buy another just like it because I think it will look so pretty with the band on both sides of my engagement ring.

Oh yeah and one more thing before I get on with the pics. I have got down to 120 pounds!!! I was 158 when I delivered Hannah, and 126 when I became pregnant with her. I was 113 when I got pregnant with my 1st daughter Carly, so I'm not too far away from that. My goal is 110, so hopefully in about 2 months I'll have met my goal. I'm not trying to lose anymore before the wedding because I only want to have my dress altered once!