The Secret Garden Meeting.

The secret garden meeting

This is from the October meeting. A little late, but here none the less.

The questions from the October meeting:

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief? Well it's been 2 years since we delivered Carly. We spent 4 beautiful short months with her surrounded by the 4 walls of the hospital. In March, it will mark her 2 year ANGELversiery. It has been one year this month since losing Hannah. I'm feeling pretty good these days. I don't cry too often anymore. Although sometimes it makes me feel guilty. I sometimes feel like I should be grieving more. Then when I start to feel that way I start to think of the strength that I have prayed for. I can only believe that God has completely strengthened me and comforted me through this whole process. I think the lack of tears comes from faith in knowing that I will see them again and that "goodbye" wasn't forever. I feel a lot of peace over my losses. I know that only comes from God. I think of my girls daily. And I thank God daily for the short time I had with them. In the future I hope I'm as at peace with my losses as I am now. My prayers go to my husband though. We were talking about our girls the other day ad how we feel in the here and now. I was telling him how I have found comfort and that it's no longer something weighing me down. He told me it still makes him sad to think of the girls. Hearing him say that made me sad. I don't want him to be sad when he thinks of them. I want him to smile when he thinks of them like I do. Grief comes in many forms for everyone and grief is different for everyone. I wish no one ever had to go through it. Sadly though it happens. I just hope people who do face it are surrounded with a great support system mike I have been.

I have an appointment!

I go Monday to the doctor to have my blood drawn. As soon as my levels get to 3,000 (I think) they will give me my 1st ultrasound. I should reach 3,000 by about 5 weeks. The u/s will be for nothing more than dating reasons. I'm ready to see our little bean though. It will give me a peace of mind in knowing that everything is ok in there.

We have decided to let this baby's gender be a surprise. It took a lot of talking through to decide which route we were gonna go with this. I wanted Carly and Hannah to be a surprise but we found out anyways. With this pregnancy possibly being our last I do want to wait to find out. It's like getting an extra little gift the day you deliver. It will be so exciting! I've been feeling good in the way of symptoms. I haven't had any yet. If this pregnancy is anything like Carly or Hannah's it will basically be symptom free. I'm only going to be working for another 3 weeks. Then I'm going to quit. Well I say quit but I'll still be doing some work. I won't however be standing on my feet for 8 hours a day passing out meds anymore. I'm going to be doing paper work at home. hat way I'm still making money but also taking it easy at the same time. My doctor wants me out of work by 12 weeks anyway so this is a happy medium.

On a side note, my car has been parked for a little over a month now. The fuel injector went bad causing a knocking noise in one of my cylinders and the transmission range sensor went bad. My car would get stuck in low gear and I would put my foot all the way down on the gas and my car would only creep at turtle speed. Well we got the parts for $180 on Wednesday. My neighbor being the nice guy he is, fixed my car today in less than an hour. The dealership was going to charge me $344 to fix it. That is just crazy! He said he did it for free. Well we can't NOT pay him something. I mean he took that time out of his own day on a weekend to help us out. So we are gonna give him some money for fixing my car. I'm so glad to have it back though. I've been driving my MIL's car for a while. She had to take it back about a week ago b/c the battery in her other car died. So I've been depending on Ryan to drive me back and forth to work. So glad to get it back!

Good News!

Well I'm not good at keeping secrets so I'll go ahead and spill the beans! I'm pregnant! We are excited. We are just putting everything in God's hands. We are just going to trust in Him to allow this baby to be healthy and to provide a healthy home for this child within my body.

I am still in complete shock! I have been taking pregnancy test just about every day since the 10th of this month. everyone of the have been coming back just as negative as they could be. I had completely lost all faith in this cycle and was just planning on trying again next month. I have had NO symptoms what-so-ever. I even though my period was on it's way with a few cramps that I have had. I guess the cramps was just the little bean implanting into it's new home. Last night a friend asked me if I had any signs of my period coming and I told her yes. I told her about my cramping and I was sure it would show up today. Well shortly after explaining that I felt as if this month was a bust I took a test just for the heck of it. As soon as the color went completely across the window of the test I chucked it in the garbage. I knew it would be negative. For some reason I felt the need to go back 5 mins later and pull it out of the trash. I was shocked to see a faint line there. I didn't believe it. My brothers were over with my husband watching the fight so I was showing Ryan and my brothers the test to get their opinions. I just said I'd take another one in the morning. This time I was going to use a first response test instead of a dollar tree test. Well at 3am I woke up having to pee so i figured why not? Sure enough I got 2 lines. I'm pregnant! Woot Woot!

My New Obsession.

Well in the past 2 months or so I have started couponing again. I haven't done it in a couple of years and even when I did it then I didn't get very good results. I have done lots of research and reading online. I have met many women who were more than happy to share some of their secrets.So Far I have done super doubles at Blooms and triples at Harris Teeter. I have saved about $300 in groceries in just the past month on coupons alone! That is awesome. We went from having no groceries in our house to not having enough room to store all of our stuff. I'm getting stuff for FREE. If not free I'm getting it for pennies! Today my mom and I went shopping at Target. They had a great Glade deal going on. So I stocked up. I also got 4 Accu-Check Aviva blood glucose monitors. I got those for FREE with my coupon. PLUS, there is a mail-in rebate offer. I will be getting $40 back through the mail just for sending in my receipt. So I'm getting PAID to take those out of the store. You can't get much better than that! I thought I'd share a pic of my shopping trip to Target today. The only thing not in the picture is a dress I bought while I was there. For everything you see and the dress not pictured only cost me $15 out of pocket! Well out of pocket I'm also including the $40 mail-in rebate and 5 $5 gift cards I got for buying the glade products. Still NOT bad! :) Now, the question is where the heck do I put all this stuff?!?!? LOL

Happy Birthday Hannah!

Today Hannah would be a year old. It's was around this time last year that I was having an ultrasound after not feeling Hannah move for a while. I remember laying in the bed as 2 nurses silently searched for a heart beat. I remember hearing my own heart in hope it was Hannah's. I remember the unspoken fear I had as I seen the worry deep in the nurses eyes and they continued to search with no such luck. I remember talking silently to Hannah asking her to move just once. I remember the fear when the nurse said she was leaving to call the doctor. I knew that it couldn't be good. I seen Hannah on the ultrasound for the last time that day. She was still. Her heart ad stopped. I could barely breath. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. How could this have happened again? I laid there silently on the bed after holding on to Ryan for several minutes just crying. I kept praying to God to make a miracle happen and let her move just once. Nothing happened. She remained still. I lay there numb on the bed as I awaited morning so my doctor could come in and do my c-section. As I waited for the doctor I couldn't decide if I wanted to be awake or asleep for the surgery. Part of me didn't want to face the reality of going through a c-section that would result in delivering my dead child. Part of me wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being a witness to the birth of my daughter who I had carried for 8 months. I'm glad I decided to stay awake. The moment I saw her I was in awe! She was the most beautiful baby girl. She looked so sweet and innocent. I was in love. I kissed her and loved her for a little bit. I couldn't believe something so wonderful was growing in me for those 8 months. After recovery I got to a room. We got to spent the whole day loving on Hannah. My whole family came to see our sweet angel. It was a sad day, yet a joyful one at the same time. I miss her dearly, but I know that I will see her again. I take comfort and strength in the Lord.

Now, from the Secret Garden.

secretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

Hannah's bedroom was done in butterflies. It was a lavender purple color. SO cute. I did it all myself by time I was 25 weeks. The beautiful white crib sat the the left and changing table to the right. The room was warm. It brought a sense of peace as I would walk into the room each and every night. I would day dream of having Hannah in the crib. I would think about what it would be like to hold her and rock her to sleep. What it would be like to sit in the stillness of the room and bond through nursing.


Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

Yes, I had Hannah's room ready by time I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was in need of nothing at that point. I had so many clothes that Hannah wouldn't even get to wear them all. I had the stroller and car seat, pack-n-play, diapers, and everything in between. Everything was perfect.


If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was hard at first. I would go into Hannah's room and just stare off into space. I would think that I should be loving on her here in this room. I sometimes would hold my belly and just cry.

Did you pack it all away?

No. We took everything back to Babies R Us. They were great. They asked no questions. They took back stuff that was open and ready to be used. It was hard for me to take everything back because I felt like I was giving up the very last things I had of Hannah. All her clothes and diapers and what-nots got sold to a lady on craigslist. The lady was super nice. She was buying all my things for her daughter who was pregnant at the time. When they got ready to leave the lady was telling me about her losing her daughter years ago. She went on to tell me that her daughter's name was Hannah. I smiled and told her my daughter's name was Hannah too. We embraced each other then said our goodbyes.

What is your baby's room now?

Now, Hannah's room is empty. It hold the clothing that comes in for the preemie clothing drive that I hold in memory of Hannah's older sister, Carly. The room gets so packed with clothing, but every 3 months we donate a portion to Levine Children's Hospital NICU. I still go in there from time to time and think of how the room use to look. I think about what Hannah would look like today and how she would be playing in her room with her toys.


If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We are trying to conceive again now. I'm very scared to set up another baby room to say the least. I keep telling Ryan all I want to buy is a pack of diapers, a box of wipes and a few articles of clothing. I 'm afraid to buy anything till I know for sure that I'm going to get to bring a baby home to love here on earth. I tell Ryan that we can buy a car seat and crib once we deliver a healthy baby. That's how I feel now. I'm not sure if I'll have the same take on things when I actually become pregnant again. It almost feels as if setting up another room is taboo.