Monday, March 9, 2009

Where Has The Time Gone?

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was in the delivery room having you. You were SO tiny and fragile. I called you tennis ball head for the longest time. You were small and sick but you were perfect. I was at the hospital daily to see you for hours on end. When I couldn't hold you I would just watch you. The days in the NICU were long and seemed as if they would never end. Who ever knew though that they WOULD end in SUCH a way. It was one year ago today that I held you for the last time as we wished you a farewell to your eternal home. I miss holding you, talking to you, and giving you a bath. I miss the way your breath smells and the sound of the alarms, as scary as they were at times. I miss that look in your eyes when it was just me and you. You made my bad days better. i thought life with out you was getting easier to deal with until the days leading up to today. I've cried a river of tears that the largest dam couldn't hold back. It was as if it was all replaying over and over again in my head, like throwing salt into a fresh wound. I've found myself thinking of how things should be instead of how they actually are. By now you should be walking and saying mommy and daddy. I should be watching you laugh and giggle as you play. We should be going on walks and I should be reading you your nightly bed time stories, instead you bedtime story book lays silently beside you as you rest beneath the surface of this old world.

I took the preemie clothing to the Levine's today as well as 3 other hospitals. I also shipped 2 boxes to 2 different hospitals. It was hard walking into that NICU again today for the first time since you've passed. I'll always remember the smell of that place, it's one I could never forget. Seeing those big electric doors again and those portable isollettes almost took my breath away as I held back the tears. I seen Dr. Hicky, she took care of you for a while. She gave me a big hug, and again I had to fight back more tears. Then there was Tony. The man who always knew how to make me smile when things were bad. He came behind me and put his arm around me. Yet again more emotions and more tears held back. So many familiar faces and so many familiar things. as much as I miss you though, I never wish you back in that place to suffer for another second.

Baby girl, I'll see you again some day. Take care of you little sister until I can make it home. I love you and miss you more than any words could say or emotions could show. Hugs and kisses my sweet baby.

Love, Mom