Monday, March 9, 2009

Where Has The Time Gone?

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was in the delivery room having you. You were SO tiny and fragile. I called you tennis ball head for the longest time. You were small and sick but you were perfect. I was at the hospital daily to see you for hours on end. When I couldn't hold you I would just watch you. The days in the NICU were long and seemed as if they would never end. Who ever knew though that they WOULD end in SUCH a way. It was one year ago today that I held you for the last time as we wished you a farewell to your eternal home. I miss holding you, talking to you, and giving you a bath. I miss the way your breath smells and the sound of the alarms, as scary as they were at times. I miss that look in your eyes when it was just me and you. You made my bad days better. i thought life with out you was getting easier to deal with until the days leading up to today. I've cried a river of tears that the largest dam couldn't hold back. It was as if it was all replaying over and over again in my head, like throwing salt into a fresh wound. I've found myself thinking of how things should be instead of how they actually are. By now you should be walking and saying mommy and daddy. I should be watching you laugh and giggle as you play. We should be going on walks and I should be reading you your nightly bed time stories, instead you bedtime story book lays silently beside you as you rest beneath the surface of this old world.

I took the preemie clothing to the Levine's today as well as 3 other hospitals. I also shipped 2 boxes to 2 different hospitals. It was hard walking into that NICU again today for the first time since you've passed. I'll always remember the smell of that place, it's one I could never forget. Seeing those big electric doors again and those portable isollettes almost took my breath away as I held back the tears. I seen Dr. Hicky, she took care of you for a while. She gave me a big hug, and again I had to fight back more tears. Then there was Tony. The man who always knew how to make me smile when things were bad. He came behind me and put his arm around me. Yet again more emotions and more tears held back. So many familiar faces and so many familiar things. as much as I miss you though, I never wish you back in that place to suffer for another second.

Baby girl, I'll see you again some day. Take care of you little sister until I can make it home. I love you and miss you more than any words could say or emotions could show. Hugs and kisses my sweet baby.

Love, Mom

20 comments:

Natalie Bourque said...

You are often in my thoughts, but today, again, in my prayers during this hard time... God bless you!

sky said...

thinking of you today and your baby.
xxxx

Kim said...

u are in my thoughts and prayers

Me said...

Thinking of you and DH. I'm very sad for you.
One day you will be re united

x x x

Vanessa said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you continue to grieve that sweet baby girl! May God provide the strength and comfort you need!

Martie said...

Thinking of you on this very difficult day. I trust you and DH have the strength to carry eachother through. Thinking of you! xxx

Annie said...

I am so sorry.What happend to you, losing two daughters I could nt imagine. I am so sorry. I know I dont know you but I am certain that you are such a strong and amazing person and the fact that you are giving back and even carrying on is absolutly incredible to me. God bless you and your husband and I hope with all of my heart that you are blessed with some happiness in the future. You have made me appreciate life and my children so much more and for that I thank you

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Anonymous said...

tears for a stranger, when i read your words, feel your pain. your beautiful baby is lucky to call you MOM, you will meet her again, until then, I wih you all the comfort that heaven can give.
leslie in CT

Anonymous said...

i just saw the videos from when everything it started, and believe me i started crying like if it was me at that moment, i am really sorry, god bless you, your family. I hope you the best for being such of strong person, im sure you will find happiness...

Good luck and be strong

Bidwell Family said...

I cried for you, your family and your baby today. We had a son who was stillborn at 20 weeks, but I can't imagine your pain. God bless you and help you heal...at least as much as is possible after losing a child. I know the hurt never entirely goes away.

April, Mom to Heavenly and Earthly Angels said...

Prayong for you I do know and live this also everyday
Blessing abound,,

Anonymous said...

God Bless you with this loss. Praying she will come for a visit in your dreams tonight , Andrea

Kemp and Remis mommy said...

God Bless you... I cant imagine the pain you feel, and it might not ever get easier... but know there is alot of people here prayin for you.. I to had a premature little boy.. not only was he premature but he has many health issues and was brought back at birth.. Ill never forget the NICU and the smells, the feelings, its intense... Keep your chin up... I wish there was something I could do to heal your pain, you can read my story at my blog:)

Sweet Mama Jones said...

Bless your heart, I know some of your pain. My baby girl Kaitlyn Cristina was stillborn 10 years ago this year on April 15th. Keep writing, it helps, I posted on her birthday and honestly it helped get me thru. I pray you always find the strength you need. We have angels waiting for us...

Shannon said...

God bless you and your family. My twins were also very premature, thankfully against all odds, they are here with me healthy, 7 years later. Thank you for sharing your little girls story with us.

RIP Carly

Emy said...

Hello!

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you went through when your beautiful baby girl went to be with the Lord. I have two babies myself and the idea of loosing one of them breaks my heart! You are such a courageous mom!
I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strength and God forbid but I pray that I will be as strong as you if I had to go through such a trial!

God bless you

Emy

angie said...

You are an amazing women and mother and I look up to you fir strength. I was wondering if sometime we could talk,I had an idea for a charity event for parents mainly moms that are grieving over their preemies and micro preemies. Please please email at aakins37@yahoo.com

Ashley & Chris said...

I just wanted to say you are in my prayers. I also had a 13oz preemie, Nolan, he fought hard for 3 days before going to heaven. My story sounds SO much like yours and was wondering if you would ever want to talk. This is all so fresh to me since its only been 3 weeks. My blog,
www.rubybaby09.blogspot.com

Ashley

shelly said...

I'SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSE BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU HEAR THIS IT'S NEVER GOING TO FILL THE YOU HAVE IN YOUR THAT YOU HAVE FOR THE BABY'S YOU LOST YOU THINK OF ALL THE THING'S THAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING OR IF YOU SEE A CHILD THE SAME AGE YOU THINK THAT SHOULD BE ME I KNOW THIS PAIN ALSO I LOST A BABY AT 16 WEEKS OLD BUT NOW I HAVE 3 WONDERFUL KIDS BUT THEY HAD TO FIGHT TO LIVE MY OLDEST WAS BORN AT 29 WEEKS HE WAS 2LBS MY OTHER 2 CAME AT 32 WEEKS I'M SAD TO SAY THAT I HAVE TAKEN FOR GRANTED THAT MY KIDS ARE GOOD ONCE YOUR KID LEAVES THE NICU YOU FORGET THAT NOT ALL BABY'S LIVE MY 29 WEEKER SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN AT 27 BUT THEY GOT ME TO 29 AND AT 29 WEEKS ONLY 80 TO 90 LIVE AND I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY BECAUSE IT REMINDED ME HOW THANKFUL MY HUSBAND I NEED TO BE THAT OUR KIDS MADE IT AND AGAIN I'M SORRY AND I TRULY UNDERSTAND YOUR THARE'S TO MANY HOPFULY THERE BE A DAY WHEN THIS WON'T BE