WHY????

Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.

Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.

We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.

Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3

In Memory Of Our Sweet Hannah!

Gestational Diabetes

Well Today I'm 30 weeks and 2 days. It's hard to believe how fast this is going by. I went to the doctor last Friday to do my glucose test and found out on Wed. that I failed. So I made an appointment to go back yesterday morning and do that dreaded 3 hour long test. I called this morning and found out I failed that one too. So looks like now I have been labeled as a gestational diabetic. They are setting up an appointment at the hospital for me with the gestational diabetes group. I'm not sure what will all happen there but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

I'm gonna ask my doc about an amnio to do a mature lung test before he does the c-section. And the only reason I'll ask about that is becaise he wasn't to deliver her at 38w5d. I know by then their lungs are NORMALLY developed enough, but w/ GD they sometimes have a harder time and need to be on a vent. So I want to make sure he dosen't take her too soon, ya know.

I'm just gonna accept this and move on. And do my best to watch what I eat. This will be hard though.

What about my puddin pops?!?!?!
Sodas, and cake?
Who want's veggies and sugar free jello?

O'well not too much longer I guess I'll survive.

Here's a pic I just now took it this morning.

28 weeks......

Well today I'm 28 weeks. It's so hard to believe. Things are going great. I'm growing and Hannah's on the move! Nothing much to report as far as my pregnancy goes. I go next Friday to have my gloucose test done. How exciting...just kidding!

Well this Saturday is a memorial service being held by the childrens hospital for all the babies lost in the NICU in the last little while. They called me back in the summer asking me if I would speak. I told them yes right off the bat. But then as time went on I became more and more nervous. I can't back out now it's like 3 days away. But what in the world will I say? I'll probably lose it up there. But I'll give it my best. Ya know what the weird thing is? This Saturday I'll be 28w3d pregnant with baby Hannah. And when I delivered Carly I was 28w3d pregnant. I went in for my appointment when I found out I was gonna have her at 2pm. And this weekend the service starts at 2pm. I don't know I just thought it was weird. Anyways, at the end of the service every parent of a child lost will release a live butterfly into the air at the Frazier Memorial Park. And then they will also serve refreshments. So say a little prayer for me Saturday that I won't trip over my words. Oh yeah...any advice on what to say?

Well tonight I got bored and painted my belly. Here's some pics.

25w2d Update on Growth

Well I had my appointment today and thank God Hannah is now only 4 days behind and growing steady in the past 4 weeks! They are guessing her weight to be around 1 pound 9 ounces.

Well I'm feeling VERY tired these days! And the heartburn....All I can say is this baby BETTER have a head full of hair with all this heartburn. I can't breath well and trying to breath while lying down to sleep sure is a task. And my back...OUCH. Hannah has laid in a transverse breech position (sideways, feet at one hip and head at the other) the whole time. And this just about kills my back at all angles. No matter what I do or how many pillows or heating pads I use nothing helps. Nope not even warm bath, although those are still nice. No position I sit in is comfortable anymore and I'm not even that big. What i the world will I do when I'm 35-40 weeks? I'm not complaining I swear! I would take on this and 100 times more to know I'll have a healthy baby! Watch me eat my words before it's over! LOL Hannah has definitely become much more active! You can see my belly jump every time she kicks. It's like she's trying to dig er way out at times! But it's a wonderful feeling. Any how, we haven't done anymore work on the nursery. And now to be honest I'm kinda scared to climb in a chair to finish the boarder. So I think Ryan and his mom will finish that part.

Well it's late and I just got off from work so I think I'm gonna call it a night and get some rest. I'll update again soon.

22w4d

Well it's been a little while since my last post. Things so far are okay. Little Miss Hannah has been such a wiggle worm. I absolutly love to feel her move. I could lay around for hours just feeling her. It's an amazing feeling to have this little person move around inside of you. I didn't feel Carly much at all. She may have kicked my cervix a total of 20 times and my belly MAYBE twice once that I'm sure of though. So this is quite some change. It's like all of this is completly new to me.

My days off from work are Wed. and Thur. of every week. The past 2 days I was off Ryan and I started on getting the nursery ready. Again sometihng new to me seeing as how we didn't get anything ready for Carly. We started off by clearing out the room and taking everything hanging on the wals off. I puttied the holes and sanded them. I painted the spots I puttied with paint from the attic. I knew all the paint from when we remodled was up there so I had Ryan get it for me. After I touched up the walls I kept going back to see how things were looking. Well needless to say things weren't looking quite right. Ryan assured me that wet paint always looks a little different and it would blend in after it dried. Well about 3 hours later it looked no different and my walls were splochy. I touched every single spot and they were all completly dry!!! I got to looking on the can of paint we used and noticed that we used the semi-gloss. See all of our walls in our house are the same color. And all the walls have benn painted with a flat paint. Except for the bathrooms and the garage (we turned it into a second den). So apparently the only paint we had left off the same color was the semi-gloss. And it looked horible on top of the flat paint. And we didn't hae enough to do the whole room. So Ryan and I had to go to Home Depot and grab enough paint to cover the walls in semi-gloss. This is really turning out to be more work than I imagined. Well after getting the paint and getting back home it was time to head out for Wed. Night Bible Study. By time I got back home it was almost 9:30. I was tired and ready for bed but Ryan talked me into getting the room tapped up so we could start painting the following morning. Well that led into lets just get one wall done, to well lets just finish out the paint left in the pan, to we only have one wall left lets just finish it now. So By 12am the room was completly painted. I was so exausted! And when I laied down to sleep Hannah though it would be a great time to wake up and play!!! I finally fell asleep 2 hours later. The next morning rolled around and we tried to put things together and put the room in some sort of orrder. We hung part of the boarder but I only bought one roll and it was definatley NOT enough. It only did one wall. So we still have the boarder to finish. And we still other odds and ends to do such as decorate the walls and recover the glider to match the room. And a few other things. And I'm sure I think of more as we work on it. We did get the crib last Thursday evening and I was super excited. I was so ready to put it together when we got it home. So excited I was willing to wait just a while longer to eat my dinner just to get it up! LOL Well I got it up and noticed it had no toddler rail or rails to turn it into a full size bed. I called the store the next day and they told me that I would have to buy both of the items sepertely. I was so shocked! I can't beleive I paied that much money for JUST a crib! The toddler rail is $60 and the big kid rails are $130. And I can't even get them now because I have to pay my card down some first seeing as how I maxed it out in one trip to Babies R Us. But hey....I got everything I need now! LOL

So here are some pics of the room as it is now. It's still not finished but hopefully it will be done in the next month or so.

This was what the room looked like after we made our boo-boo

My Intro...

Well for those who know me this will be a very short repeat of info then off to new stuff. I became pregnant last year and was due to deliver our daughter Carly Nicole on 2/4/08. We had several complications. She had a brain defect that was known about while I was still pregnant. She was a very small baby. At 18 weeks she began to slow her growth or should I say they noticed that she was 2 weeks behind in growth. Well I was followed very close by a high risk OB. As time went on she grew less and less and eventually became stressed. I wound up with pre-eclampsia that wasn't noticed until I was admitted to the hospital. I delivered my daughter via C-section 12 weeks early at 28w3d. She weighed a whoping 13 ounces and was 10 inches long. Well as time went on she grew and started to become a "big" little baby. Six days shy of her 4 month birthday she passed away from a heart defect. We found out of the heart defect the day she passed. There was nothing we could do for her. She never came home but will remain in our hearts forever! If you want more info on that you can read her blog at carlynicoleelliotte.blogspot.com

Now new news for those who don't know me. After losing our daughter we became pregnant again one month later. Things with this pregnancy have been for the most part pretty good. I had my first ultrasound at 5 weeks and we got to see her little heart beat. She measured right on time from my LMP (last menstrual period). I had been seeing both my regular OB and a high risk OB because of my past pregnancy. So then I also had an ultrasound at 11 weeks, 14 weeks 15 weeks and 18 weeks. All of these ultrasounds show good growth and my latest one at 18 weeks also show no signs of any defects! So my high risk OB decides that seeing as how there are no known defects and the baby is measuring on time he can release me from his care. He tells me he only needs to see me again if the baby stops or slows her growth or something else comes up that needs to be tended to. This is just amazing to me! I can't beleive how big my belly has gotten at this time seeing as how when I was pregnant with Carly at the smae time I was so much smaller.

So today at my regular OB office I had my 20 week anatomy scan. The baby looks healthy and is such a little wiggle worm. We got to see her yawn during the ultrasound which was the cutest ting ever! I had Ryan video the whole thing. I post a link to it later. It always amazes me to see lil babies inside a mothers womb. Who can't beleive in God when seeing something so perfect and amazing? Well anyways at the end of the u/s the tech ask me what my EDD was. I told her it was 12/30/08. She said that according to her measurements she was getting an EDD of 1/5/09. That's 1 day shy of being a week behind in growth. She said they don't start to worry until they are 2 weeks or more behind in growth. Well I knew that already seeing as how I went through it with Carly. But it does have me concerned. On the 29th of July my scan came back fine with her measuring on time. And right about 3 weeks later she's measuring a week behind. I just pray that God keeps this litte girl healthy and allows her to grow and get the nutrients she needs. Right now according to the u/s she weighs 13 ounces. That what Carly weighed when I delivered her. So I know that's gotta be better some. I wonder if it's my uterus causing this? I have a bicournate or T shaped uterus. I've read that there is a higher risk for IUGR with women who become pregnant and have mis-shaped uterus. Well right now all I can do is pray an d lift Hannah up to the Lord. And I hope that if you are reading this blog that you too will do the same and pray for our little girl. I have another appointment on the 19th of September and hopefully I'll have some good news. But if she hasn't improved or has fallen futher behind in growth I'm sure I'll be making that trip back to the high risk OB. So just remember Ryan and I and this little innocent child that I'm carrying.

Here's my most recent pic. Not the prettiest pic of me but it's a pic none the less.
21 weeks