Dear God,

I come to you now laying Kayleigh at your feet. Father you know her struggles and you know her family's fears and concerns. Father I pray to you know that you watch over sweet Kayleigh and heal her tiny body. I pray that you allow her to grow quickly and overcome this battle with hypertension. I pray that these new meds the doctors are using work and work fast. I ask you to give Kayleigh the strength and courage to continue fighting. I pray that you give her parents the strength and courage to continue through this battle with Kayleigh. Give them peace as well. Father I have no clue why things happen the way they do. And I have no clue as to why things happen to certin people. But Father I trust in you to lead, guide and direct us in all we encounter. We know you don't cause things to happen but we KNOW that you will give us what we need to carry on. We can only keep faith in knowing that You are God and that You will never leave nor forsake us. Father You have given us Your Son Christ to die on a cross for our sins so that we can live eternally with you in heaven. Such a large sacrafice makes the things we go through so small. But You know Father that to us the obstacals we face in life are hard on us. And I know that you are always there to comfort us and catch our tears as they fall. Father Kayleigh and her family need you right now! They need you to let them know that you are still God and You are still with them! They need you to comfort them. I pray that You do all these things and that You just give them the peace in knowing that You will hold and comfort them no matter what! Again Father I just pray that you wrap you arms around Kayleigh and heal her little body. Hold Adam and Ammie as they go through this with her. We are waiting on you Lord. And we have faith in knowing Your will be done! Father lay your hands on the doctors and allow them to quickly know and treat any old or new problems that may come Kayleighs way. Give the doctors the knowledge to care for her in the way that needs to be done. Father we love you and give you all the honor, praise and glory. Thank You so much for all the things you have given to us and Kayleigh's family. Thank You for all You've done, are doing, and will do. We praise You and thank You, in Jesus name...Amen

Our First Counseling Session Today!

We went to the counselor today. It started off talking about our children, my brother, Ryan losing his grandfather all this year. Then it steered off into our relationship with each other. **Which needs work let me tell ya!** So any ways we were able to openly and honestly Communicate to each other. It was really great to actually hear things from each other that otherwise we wouldn't talk about. We are gonna have grief counseling throughout this process but as well as couples counseling. This was a FANTASTIC session! We both got sooooo much from it. We even kept openly talking once we got in the car all the way back to Ryan's work. The counselor is around our age and I think that's great as she will be able to relate more to us than a 60 year old person would. I think this was a big step for us in the right direction to get ourselves where we want to be with each other and our emotions. We go back again next Thursday.

WHY????

Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.

Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.

We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.

Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3

In Memory Of Our Sweet Hannah!

Gestational Diabetes

Well Today I'm 30 weeks and 2 days. It's hard to believe how fast this is going by. I went to the doctor last Friday to do my glucose test and found out on Wed. that I failed. So I made an appointment to go back yesterday morning and do that dreaded 3 hour long test. I called this morning and found out I failed that one too. So looks like now I have been labeled as a gestational diabetic. They are setting up an appointment at the hospital for me with the gestational diabetes group. I'm not sure what will all happen there but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

I'm gonna ask my doc about an amnio to do a mature lung test before he does the c-section. And the only reason I'll ask about that is becaise he wasn't to deliver her at 38w5d. I know by then their lungs are NORMALLY developed enough, but w/ GD they sometimes have a harder time and need to be on a vent. So I want to make sure he dosen't take her too soon, ya know.

I'm just gonna accept this and move on. And do my best to watch what I eat. This will be hard though.

What about my puddin pops?!?!?!
Sodas, and cake?
Who want's veggies and sugar free jello?

O'well not too much longer I guess I'll survive.

Here's a pic I just now took it this morning.

28 weeks......

Well today I'm 28 weeks. It's so hard to believe. Things are going great. I'm growing and Hannah's on the move! Nothing much to report as far as my pregnancy goes. I go next Friday to have my gloucose test done. How exciting...just kidding!

Well this Saturday is a memorial service being held by the childrens hospital for all the babies lost in the NICU in the last little while. They called me back in the summer asking me if I would speak. I told them yes right off the bat. But then as time went on I became more and more nervous. I can't back out now it's like 3 days away. But what in the world will I say? I'll probably lose it up there. But I'll give it my best. Ya know what the weird thing is? This Saturday I'll be 28w3d pregnant with baby Hannah. And when I delivered Carly I was 28w3d pregnant. I went in for my appointment when I found out I was gonna have her at 2pm. And this weekend the service starts at 2pm. I don't know I just thought it was weird. Anyways, at the end of the service every parent of a child lost will release a live butterfly into the air at the Frazier Memorial Park. And then they will also serve refreshments. So say a little prayer for me Saturday that I won't trip over my words. Oh yeah...any advice on what to say?

Well tonight I got bored and painted my belly. Here's some pics.

25w2d Update on Growth

Well I had my appointment today and thank God Hannah is now only 4 days behind and growing steady in the past 4 weeks! They are guessing her weight to be around 1 pound 9 ounces.

Well I'm feeling VERY tired these days! And the heartburn....All I can say is this baby BETTER have a head full of hair with all this heartburn. I can't breath well and trying to breath while lying down to sleep sure is a task. And my back...OUCH. Hannah has laid in a transverse breech position (sideways, feet at one hip and head at the other) the whole time. And this just about kills my back at all angles. No matter what I do or how many pillows or heating pads I use nothing helps. Nope not even warm bath, although those are still nice. No position I sit in is comfortable anymore and I'm not even that big. What i the world will I do when I'm 35-40 weeks? I'm not complaining I swear! I would take on this and 100 times more to know I'll have a healthy baby! Watch me eat my words before it's over! LOL Hannah has definitely become much more active! You can see my belly jump every time she kicks. It's like she's trying to dig er way out at times! But it's a wonderful feeling. Any how, we haven't done anymore work on the nursery. And now to be honest I'm kinda scared to climb in a chair to finish the boarder. So I think Ryan and his mom will finish that part.

Well it's late and I just got off from work so I think I'm gonna call it a night and get some rest. I'll update again soon.